Researcher, David E. Pratte, states that ‘a major social change has occurred during our lifetime’. This has accompanied the acceptance of the changes in sexual and family values such as divorce, homosexuality, abortion, etc; which is viewed as the result of the sexual and industrial revolution of the 60’s.
As though we are tired of news of terror, war, various forms of violence, scandals, corruption et al, which partially place our attention oversees, with little interest and attention on our immediate society. Come to think of it, morality which is often spoken of as the bedrock of a godly society is actually dying a natural death in our own society, and no one cares.
Most people today are drowned in the ocean of twenty first century life style and modus operandi. For instance, gone are the days when Supper Eagles of Nigeria uses their slow-them-down techniques to win a soccer match against the fast and mighty German Machines. Nowadays, they put us on the run, and we run with them, and consequently we come out defeated and exhausted. As such, the mighty Eagles have fallen. There is no more time for reflection or retreat; time to observe and even listen to what is happening within and around us. Imagine a battalion that continuously march forward without a retreat command!
Today we hear stories of rape, baby factories, street kids, drug addiction and trafficking, marital infidelity/promiscuity, high divorce rate, sale of human body parts/mutilation of babies, practitioners business of Caesarean Section (CS), ritual killings, high rate of suicide, many forms of crime in the house of God (miracle churches), high rate of prostitution, various forms of abuses et al. Notice that all these crimes directly sprang up from the decay in value and morality within our society; perhaps, we seem to care less since everyone is too busy to notice.
However, the focus of this article is on the fastest growing phenomenon called cohabitation; which like MTN is, ‘everywhere you go’. Cohabitation is a social trend which is defined as ‘two unrelated persons of the opposite sex who share common living arrangements in a sexual intimate relationship without legal or religious sanction’ (Jackson 1983).This living arrangement can be found within our immediate environment, in our tertiary institutions (known there as campus marriage), in and around the military and police barracks.
Although we have no statistical record of this social issue in Nigeria, cohabitation has entered deeply into our social fabrics that it is actually replacing legal marriages today. As such, like today’s issue of gay right it was proposed a decade ago that Nigerian law should give a legal right to cohabiting couples; considering the fact that other countries like Ghana and Kenya have already developed such law, and that the spate of cohabitation in Nigeria flows through the progressively changing socio-cultural attitude of Nigeria to this family form.
Meanwhile, in the past people seldom cohabite, and when it happens people generally view it as shameful and immoral. Among the Igbos, for example, it is mostly regarded as taboo for couples to start living together (cohabiting) without first paying the necessary bride prize; those who do it are usually ashamed to admit it. Today, in our generation, it has become socially acceptable; people see it as something normal.
With the advent of Christianity, this way of living (according to Christian perspective) is viewed as ‘living in sin’. As such, among the Catholics, marriage begins after Christian marriage or church wedding as some may like to call it; otherwise you are living in sin, and cannot receive any sacraments of the Church.
Perhaps, cohabitation as a lifestyle is on the rise either because we have refused to notice or because we appear to have changed our attitude to this reality. According to Thaibat Abubaka, University of Maiduguri Mass Communication student, cohabitation is a deadly trend in Nigerian tertiary institutions. He partly blamed this on the government policies and the poor attention given to student’s hostel system in the country; thereby, forcing several students off campus for accommodation. Cohabitation emerged with it – students refer this as ‘campus marriage’ – where two students actually live like husband and wife without marriage. One day, a passenger jokingly said on one occasion of my travel to school that “what is actually left is to invite Pastors or Reverend gentlemen to consummate these marriages in our campuses”.
Maybe, cohabitation can be blamed on the high level of desperation for marriage among ladies in our society today. Any Nigerian girl from the age of 18 is seriously expecting suitors to start knocking at her father’s house; otherwise she will seek out for them, and end up cohabiting with the hope of an eventual marriage. Perhaps, Isaiah 4:1, ‘seven women will take hold of one man on that day, saying: “we will eat our own food and wear our own clothing; only let your name be given us…”’ prophesy has come to pass. On the other hand, we seem to be perpetrators of this. Since we have deviated from our moral and cultural values, so we are ripping the consequences. Originally, men do not ‘know’ their wife-to-be; as a matter of fact, families contract marriage. However, what we see today is that men would severally ‘test-drive’ the would-be-wife, and will eventually contemplate (either forced or persuaded) marriage when the girl is already pregnant, else he would do away with her pretending that she might not be fertile. This same people will argue against the Church’s teaching that among the basic aims of marriage is procreation.
This social dimension is increasingly taking shape within and around the military and police barracks; and most cohabiting relationships here involves children. And these children whose surname will they bear since cohabitation is not the same as marriage? It is neither recognised as marriage by the State or the Church.
Cohabitation is without doubt changing the cultural landscape of our society. Increasing number of cohabiting couples sends mixed messages to our children. On the one hand, they hear parents and priests/pastors proclaim the value of marriage. But on the other hand, they see a culture condoning cohabitation. Although some people will argue that a cohabiting couple is ‘married both in their own eyes and in the eyes of God’; that is not true. They are neither married in the eyes of God nor in their own eyes because they are living contrary to biblical statements about marriage, see: (Gen 2:18, Eph 6:1-2, 1 Cor 7:2; 6:16; 5:1-3, Lev 18:8, Deut 22:30, Mark 7:21-23, Thess 4:3-5 etc ); and they have specifically decided not to marry.
Meanwhile, most couples who cohabite claim to do so based on the assumption that “I think we should live together before we get married to see if we are compatible”. This can be referred as ‘test-drive mode of relationship’, and common sense tells us that it is a false assumption. Some will say ‘test/try before you buy’. ‘Of course, you can’t just buy a car without a test drive’. The problem here is that you dehumanise the other person, you view the other person as an object; perhaps a sex object, like a car that can be tested and rejected. Frankly, test-drive relationship is only positive if one is the driver.
Another dubious assumption or claim as to why people cohabite is love. ‘ “I love this guy/girl so much that I can’t let go, I gave him/her my life”, “I had the first child for him and then the second child, but now he has brought another girl into the house, he even chased me and the kids out of the house”’. Such are stories you hear on a daily basis. Thus, the acclaimed love here is absolutely farfetched. Love never existed here in the first place.
Certainly, men and women have different perception as far as cohabitation or living together is concerned. Men often enter the relationship with less intention to marry than women do. They may regard it more as a sexual opportunity without the ties of long-term commitment. Women, however, often see the living arrangement as a step towards eventual marriage. Now, what happens when students cohabite? If they do not break up today, tomorrow either of them might leave for IT or Youth Service, consequently, life continues with whatever it presents.
Recently, research conducted on the danger of cohabitation by two Rutgers University Sociologists, David Popenoe and Barbara Dafoe Whitehead concluded among other things that those who live together before they get married are putting their future marriage in danger. They view marriage negatively since it involves the assumption of new responsibility that contrasted with their former freedoms; in other words, cohabiting people feel trapped when they enter marriage. Also, they found that cohabiting appears to be counterproductive to long-lasting marriage, and that it poses lots of risks to both women and children. For instance, women who cohabite suffer twice more physical abuses, and are nine time more likely to be killed by their partners than those who do not. On the other hand, children in this relationship, have significant more behavioural problems and lower academic performances. They suffer 20 times child abuses, and have bad marriages themselves in the future. The risk of break up can create even more social and personal difficulties, David Popenoe and Barbara Whitehead 1999.
Furthermore, the study states that couples who live together are more likely to divorce than those who do not. They are less happy and score lower on the well-being indices, including sexual satisfaction, and cohabiting couples are often poorer than married couples.
Finally, from these views, it is obvious to say that this research backs up what the Bible has said for centuries past. Besides the Bible, it has a great moral and cultural value. If you want a good marriage, don’t do what society says. Do what is morally acceptable and what the Bible teaches us to do.
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